The Session #76: Compulsion – But I’m just getting one bottle, dear…

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Glen at Beer Is Your Friend. The topic is: Compulsion.

You’re at the beer store. You see beer you want. The fridge is already full. What do you do? Buy it, of course. One might ask: Why? Or what the eff are you doing at the beer store in the first place if the fridge is full? Well, maybe one shouldn’t be so judgy.

Incapable of a serious self-examination of my personal shortcomings, I made another video. Special thanks to Nick at Arrowine and Cheese in Arlington for letting me film in the store. Now, with a little help from Wolfmother, I give you “But I’m Just Getting One Bottle, Dear…

The Six-Pack Project: VA and DC

Welcome to the Six-Pack Project, the brainchild of the hardest-working, unpaid beer blogger in the business: Bryan at thisiswhyimdrunk.

The Six-Pack Project is a new, collaborative effort between beer bloggers from around the country. Each blogger highlights a hypothetical six-pack from their State that best represents the State’s beer culture. If someone is coming to visit, what bottles or cans would we share? Or since I am woefully self-centered: If I came to visit, what beers would I share with me. The rules are, to-wit:

• Pick a six-pack of beers that best represents your State or State’s beer culture.
• Beer must be made in your State, including any “gypsy” brewed beers.
• Any size bottle or can is acceptable.
• Current seasonal offerings are fine, but try to keep selections to year-round brews as much as possible. Out-of-season beers are highly frowned-upon.

I live in Northern Virginia, several miles from DC. Thus, I have shrewdly negotiated my jurisdiction to include the District. I will lay claim to the rest of Virginia, too, and leave the Maryland parts of the DC Metro-area to some lucky Marylander in a future Six Pack Project edition.

The area’s beer production has improved significantly since the Haybag and I arrived in ’05. However, of the three NOVA/DC breweries that regularly sell bottles and cans, Alexandria’s Port City is the grizzled veteran. They first sent bottles out the door waaay back in February 3, 2011*. A handful of the many Virginia breweries outside of NOVA distribute some of their beers up here, but not nearly enough. With that in mind, here goes.

DC Brau On the Wings of Armageddon (DC) – This single hop Falconer’s Flight IIPA was brewed in honor of the end of the world (December 21, 2012). Then, after everyone realized the Chief Mayan Calendar-Maker was just a dick with a sick sense of humor, DC Brau made a new Baktun resolution to brew and can more OTWOA, as the kids like to call it. A total dank beast with citrus, tropical fruits, a doughy malt backbone, and a building bitterness. I would liken it to Fat Head’s Head Hunter, but a little more tropical and with more control.

LOCAL FLAVOR: Indicative of the largesse and excesses of Washington.

DC Brau El Hefe Speaks (DC) – American brewers have issues with Hefes. In fact, one would think that the difficulty level of making a good one falls somewhere between solving a Rubik’s Cube and licking your own elbow (you’re totally trying it right now…it’s OK, I’ll wait). They’re either too plain, too bitter, too clovey, or they’ve got some sort of sour aftertaste going on. Not El Hefe. Bananas, light clove, wheat, a little bubble gum, and a clean finish. Now if we can only find a good American brand of spatzle, we won’t need the Germans for anything anymore…amiright?

LOCAL FLAVOR: Washington solving America’s problems.

Port City Porter (VA) – I sing this beer’s praises to anyone who cares to listen..and probably a few who don’t. It’s not too sweet, not too dry. And it’s subtle, with chocolate, light notes of coffee, cream, malt balls, and a light kiss of hops and roast bitterness. When you start drinking it you’re all like, this is solid like in a girl next door sort of way. But pay attention, cause by the end it builds and you’re all like this porter brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right. It could teach you, but it’d have to charge.

LOCAL FLAVOR: I don’t know, but don’t you ever say nothin’ bad about Port City Porter.

Bluejacket and Lost Rhino Pretty in Pink (DC and VA) - This is more locally symbolic than the rest. It’s a collaboration between Rachel Cardwell, a brewer at Hardywook Park (an exciting Richmond brewery that will hopefully be getting up to NOVA soon); Megan Parisi, head brewer of the soon-to-open Bluejacket brewery in DC (they’ll have a modest 5,000 bbl annual capacity, but 19 freaking fermentation vessels, including open fermentation tanks and a coolship); Kristi Mathews Griner, brewmaster for the Leesburg brewpub Vintage 50; and Becky Jordan, the executive chef at Lost Rhino Brewing (the brewery in Ashburn where they brewed it…a brewery with significant connections to Dominion, which got snapped-up and whisked away by Fordham around the height of the area brewing’s John-the-Baptist-fasting-in-the-desert period). It looks like nuclear pink grapefruit juice. Smells like tropical fruit, flowers, with some slight peppery spice. Tastes like pomegranate, grapefruit, pineapple, and hibiscus. Very floral, dry with slight fruity sweetness peeking through, and lightly tart.

LOCAL FLAVOR: Empowered women and the past, present, and future of DC-area brewing.

Dark Hollow Chocolate and Coffee BBA Imperial Stout (VA) – This is from Blue Mountain  Brewery’s Barrel House, where they brew their higher-end beers that require barrels or a little extra love. I find the regular Dark Hollow decent, but it has a slight vegetal thing going on. This one is straight up balla’, though…well at least for the $12 price tag and relative availability. Big coffee and chocolate dominate, while the bourbon complements. Grab one of these with ease while the hype-whores stalk the delivery truck and the mailing list for a shot at your bottle store’s 12-bottle KBS allotment.

LOCAL FLAVOR: Whiskey and beer meet, legally, in the Blue Ridge Mountains…just under two hours from the moonshine capital of the world.

Port City Downright Pilsner (VA) - Summer is on the way. And when it’s hotter outside than two squirrels making love in a wool sock, it’s not like you’re going to come in from mowing the lawn and ask for an barrel-aged baller. I’m grabbing a Downright. Now, I’ll let the style Nazis decide whether this is a Czech Pilsner or a German Pilsner. They can hash-out SRM 5 vs. 6, while I polish off my first refreshing beverage and tie into some more spicy Saaz hops and hefty but clean bitterness. I don’t usually get too tweaked over pilsner, but this is a good one to have on hand for the Summer months.

LOCAL FLAVOR: DC is a freaking swamp, people. Literally. It gets hotter than a pair of sweatpants full of BBQ.

The Haybag: I still think you should have thrown in a Dogfish Head. This area made DFH. If it weren’t for this area, Sam would still be vibrating hops into his 60 minute with one of those electric vibrating football table-top games.

You can check out the other Six Pack Project posts for this round as follows:

• North Carolina - Bryan from This Is Why I’m Drunk
• South Carolina - Nick of Drink. Blog. Repeat.
• Colorado - Eric from Sheppy’s Blog
• Pennsylvania - Justin from Justin’s Brew Review
• New Jersey - Ryan from Mould’s Beer Blog

*DC Brau apparently started in 2009, but didn’t produce any cans until Spring 2011. Also worth noting, six more breweries in NOVA are supposed to be popping-up in the next year.

Programming Notes: BBQ season; super secret project; beerbecue seal of approval

I missed last week’s post. This week, I’ll be posting on thisiswhyimdrunk‘s new super-secret collaborative blogging project. Also, if I manage to get over this Hanta Virus that daughter 2.0 gave me, I hope to take a day off and smoke some meat, pair some beer and BBQ, and maybe make a new sauce. A little teaser: It will likely involve Rodenbach Grand Cru.

Also, new for this BBQ season, I have adopted the Beerbecue Seal of Approval for especially solid beer and BBQ pairing selections:

No doubt breweries will be falling all over themselves for this prestigious award. I anticipate a Good Housekeeping-esque empire.

The Haybag: What about the Haybag Seal of Approval?

Boulevard Brewing Nommo Dubbel: More fun than a barrel of Nommos

Next up, Boulevard Brewing’s Nommo Dubbel:

More freaking mermaid labels. So, we already established in the Uinta Sea Legs review that being lured into the ocean by a mermaid was like risking your life to get to first base with a Pentecostal chick. Well, with the legend of the Nommo, the good people of Mali have upped the gamble. There are mixed descriptions, but it appears that in addition to the fishy lower half, Nommo’s are also hermaphroditic, conjoined twins.

Now, that may be your bag. Beerbecue isn’t here to judge your sicko fetishes. But the label makes it look like the hermaphroditic…ness is either manifested in each twin being one gender, or one is a little more lady and the other is little more dude. Either way, one twin is probably a total grenade. So, good luck getting a friend to take Mother Goose duty on a mermaid that looks like a Patrick Mohr runway model:

New rule: Don’t read beerbecue before bedtime.

It pours mahogany with a light tan head that enacts the No Lace Left Behind Act of 2013. WARNING: I don’t care what you do with other Nommos in your free time…that’s your deal. Just make sure you let this Nommo warm a bit. I can pick up hardly anything at all at cold temps, but once it warms it smells like molasses, snicker-doodle cookies, bananas, and rum soaked raisins. And the taste is pleasantly malty with brown sugar, fig, toffee, and a hint of clove. It has pretty good carbonation, but manages to finish slightly sweet (which I like in dubbels). Bottom line: It’s subtle, and if you don’t let it warm-up, it smells like nearly nothing and tastes like a poor man’s Chimay Grand Reserve. Fortunately, after it warms, it’s still subtle, but it develops a tasty personality all its own.

The Haybag: Nommos be creepy. Malians need better mythology. Except for this Nommo. This Nommo be tasty.

Dogfish Head Noble Rot: Something rotten in the state of beerbecue

Next up, Noble Rot from Dogfish Head:

This post may be of particular interest to one of my favorite blogs: Liquorstore Bear…a blog written by a wine-loving, ratty-looking, British Columbia liquorstore charity bear with a drinking problem. See, the Haybag has had a stuffed koala bear, Barry, her whole life. And as you can imagine, a 33 year-old bear would be a little worn; but much like Liquorstore Bear, Barry’s lifestyle decisions have left him pretty haggard…nobly rotten, if you will.

So, as a birthday present for the Haybag, I refurbished Barry. After a consult with my Mom and a quilt-blogging co-worker (Elle-mental), I unstuffed Barry, reinforced his weakening seams, ironed on interfacing in severely mange affected areas, washed him thoroughly, and restuffed him. Below are some pics. Warning: They are not for the squeamish. Liquostore Bear, this is your future:

Left arm about to fall off.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

Noble Rot is a peculiar beer brewed with pilsner and wheat malts and a Belgian yeast. But that’s where the beer ends and the wine begins. It’s also brewed with viognier grape must (juice, skins, and stems) that was infected with botrytis fungus. Now, before you start worrying about the date of your last tetanus shot, many sweet dessert wines and late harvest wines harness this “noble rot”. It actually reduces the water content in the grapes while magnifying their sweetness and complexity. The second winey addition is pinot gris must intensified by “dropping fruit”, a process where large clusters of grapes are clipped from the vine to amplify the quality of those left behind.

Quite frankly, I think more fermentable sugars come from the grapes than the malts. At times, it actually feels more like wine masquerading as beer than vice versa. It’s identity crisis continues with the pour: A very wine-like, pale, clear yellow. While its white, rocky head reminds you that it is beer, it retreats quickly and sets the stage for beer’s subservient role. It smells like a very wine-like grape and apple (and at times like a sweetish champagne), accompanied by a little musty Belgian yeast character lurking in the background. As for the taste, the sweet, white wine character continues to dominate. Some pilsner malt character makes a brief appearance mid-palate, and the Belgian yeast character jumps in at the end along with a somewhat dry and lightly tart finish.

It’s interesting. I wonder if some Brett would do it some good: Dry it out and give it some funk and maybe a little sourness. Somebody should get on that.

The Haybag: To me, it seems more like champagne than beer. This further deepens my like/really-hate relationship with Dogfish Head.

Westbrook Brewing Cap’n Skoons Ballistic Stout

(NOTE: This was posted last week, but for some reason WordPress unpublished it.)

Next up, Cap’n Skoons Ballistic Stout from the Charleston-area’s Westbrook Brewing Co.:

I couldn’t find anything about this Captain Skoon fella, but from the label he looks pretty piratey. If he was a pirate, though, he wasn’t very successful. He’s not even on the Forbes Top-Earning Pirates list. Although, there are some other familiar pirates on the list connected to the Charleston-area: Edward “Blackbeard” Teach, Charles Vane, and maybe the most ridiculous pirate ever, Stede Bonnet.

Granted, Stede Bonnet is a pretty awesome pirate name, but his credentials end there. Stede had zero sailing experience (typically a pre-requisite to commanding a vessel on the high seas). See, Stede was a comfortable landowner, and he grew so tired of his wife’s nagging that one day he just up and decided to become a pirate captain. To his credit, though, this is no half-assed, go-out-and-buy-a-Harley mid-life crisis. This is like Bob from accounting quitting and starting a blood-thirsty motorcycle gang.

To compensate for his lack of experience, I’m sure he selected a totally badass flag, the hoisting of which would make even the most hardened sailor weep with fear. Wrong:

And it doesn’t end there. Stede, clearly not familiar with the importance of incentive-based compensation packages in the pirate industry, chose to put his crew on salary.

“Sorry, the Swashbucklers Local 456′s collective bargaining agreement clearly states we can’t be asked to board a hostile vessel after 4:45pm.”

Well, Stede only lasted one year up in the pirate game. He was captured and hung after trying to escape the authorities in the Cape Fear River…not surprisingly, his boat ran aground.

This beast is actually a Baltic-style stout, which was brewed for Westbrook’s second anniversary. It pours like motor oil, and it has about the darkest head I have ever seen….all like frothed dark chocolate milk with a tinge of red. It smells huge: Roast, coffee, and cream, and plums. Did I mention coffee? The first taste is like biting into a dark-ass roasted coffee bean, but not one of those fair trade ones. It’s more like one that harbors the bitterness and anger of an underpaid, third world laborer. Some 99.99% cacao chocolate jumps in, along with some cream, singed molasses, a little smoke and licorice, and a hint of fruitiness (like the plums from the nose). This thing is a monster, but the good level of carbonation and the bitterness from the roast and hops keep it from getting anywhere near cloying.

It’s worth noting that Westbrook used German lager yeast. I don’t know if this contributed to the fruitiness, or what. A better blog would have figured that out for you.

The Haybag: Before I checked Wikipedia I thought you made that flag in Pixelmator. This beer is excellent. Please stop talking like a pirate.

Session Beer: I still don’t care, but if I did…

At the risk of sounding like I actually care about what constitutes session beer, I feel the need to address my new theory on the subject. Please note, however, I stand behind my previous post and thesis: What is Session Beer? Who the f$&k cares!?

Everybody’s favorite English beer Loyalist, Ding, was falling all over himself in a recent post about Session Beer Day. He discovered that in the death throes of Prohibition, the Cullen-Harrison Act had legalized the sale of 3.2% ABW (4.0% ABV) beer, as it was thought to be a level too low for intoxicating the masses. This lines right up with Ding’s notion of the 4% session beer Maginot Line, which has heretofore been based on a historical analysis of major British breweries’ lowest ABV offerings.

Of course, I can only assume that the 73rd Congress soberly arrived at this ABV level after much deliberation, many hearings, and thoughtful consideration of scientific data – free from any considerations not in the best interests of the US populace. That’s a safe assumption, right? Then it must be THE watershed moment for US session beer. And therefore, for purposes of this post, I will concede this point and use it as a US session beer baseline.

Since the 1930s, however, the average American has increased in size, and likewise in the ability to process alcohol. This point can’t be argued. Our size increase has been well-documented and derided. And as best I can determine, the average US male has gone from 5’8″ 156 lbs in 1930 to a current 5’9″ and 194.7 lbs. How does this translate in terms of processing alcohol?

We’ll take Arthur, the average 1930s male: After 4 pints of 4% beer over 3 hours, Arthur’s BAC would be 0.057. This is clearly low enough for Arthur to safely maneuver his Deusenburg to go catch a “talkie”. Comparatively, we’ll take Steve, our average contemporary male: After 4 pints of 5% beer over the same time period, Steve’s BAC would be 0.057. What?!

I’ll see your Keanu “Whoa” meme and raise you an Alex Winter.

So there you have it. For us husky Americans, session beer = 5% or less. What are the implications of my discovery? Absolutely nothing. Just choose whatever beer is appropriate to your circumstances – whatever the eff it’s called – and drink it. That is all.

*Paradoxically, Ding and I are so far apart on this topic, that we have reached a similar conclusion: US brewers should stop using the term “Session Beer”.

The Session #74: Finding Beer Balance – Is this an intervention?

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Bryan at This Is Why I’m Drunk. The topic is “Finding Beer Balance”. The topic suggests that there is perhaps more to life than beer. While I find Bryan’s premise shaky, I’ll play along.

Actually, after giving it some thought, there are a number of facets of my life that I am constantly seeking to balance with my love for beer. Personal hygiene, nutritional, recreational, parenthood…just to name a few. However, this may be best demonstrated in video format. So, I give you: Beer-Life Balance (with musical accompaniment from the White Stripes).

Allagash Black – Never bet on Wesley Snipes

Next up, Allgash Black:

Always bet on black…at least that’s what Wesley Snipes famously proclaimed in Passenger 57. In the case of this beer, he was right. In the case of his tax advice, the McKean Federal Correctional Institution says he was wrong. A little tax season advice from someone with an LL.M. in tax: If the position on your return is based on the argument that Ohio did not actually become a State until 1953 (and thus its earlier ratification of the 16th Amendment is invalid) you may be on shaky legal ground.

Although, practically-speaking, getting rid of Ohio is a worthy idea.

Perhaps less remembered about Wesley Snipes is that he was Michael Jackson’s nemesis in the video for Bad. Jackson and Snipes have a tense standoff in an abandoned subway station. Then, Snipes backs down after Jackson exploits a major weakness in Snipes’ extensive Shotokan Karate and Hapkido training with a deadly West Side Story-influenced song-and-dance number.

Beanie, toboggan, tuque…whatever you call it, it’s menacing.

It pours, um, black…with scarlet highlights. It has a solid, creamy-looking head, but not overly exuberant. Smells like dark baker’s chocolate with some roast and a yeasty fruitiness. Same in taste, along with some espresso and a nice roasted bitterness at the end. It’s got this very slight earthy and herbal thing running through it, and as it warms, some cola and a hint of the booze come out. A little more carbonated than your usual stout, but it’s Belgian after all. It’s not dry; it’s not sweet, but it is clean. (Allagash beers always seem to be in the style’s Goldilocks Zone in this respect.) A very solid Belgian stout (which I love).

The Haybag: I have always liked this one. Hey, tax LL.M., why aren’t our taxes finished yet?

Beer Madness 2013: The Riesling Curse

I’m a little late with my post this week, but my recent free time and marital capital were spent on Beer Madness 2013. This year, dangermenparenting and I wrapped up the annual Beer Madness Tournament much faster than the 6 months it took last year. We even doubled the field to 16 (20 if you count the 4 play-in match-ups). How did we do this? More man-power. We enlisted the help of the Sports-Glutton and two other non-blogging friends. It was a good time.

I have a couple bones to pick beneath the pics, but I’ll leave the full rundown to dangermenparenting. You can take a looksie-peepsie at the final bracket here. And here is the lineup:

First of all, somehow Schlafly Kölsch beat He’Brew Schmaltz Lenny’s RIPA by a vote of 4-1. Inconceivable. The only reasonable explanation is rampant anti-semitism. The Schlafly is a well-made beer, but you could fall asleep drinking it. The RIPA, on the other hand, exemplifies the transcendence of the rye and hop union.

Second, Thomas Hooker Brewing’s Connecticut Barrel Series Saison made it to the finals. This overly sweet and under-carbonated saison (aged in wine barrels) never should have made it past the first round match-up with Ommegang Hennepin. I hadn’t had a Hennepin in awhile, but I was reminded how great a beer it is, particularly its yeast character. Conversely, the common compliment about the Hooker Saison was that it tasted remarkably like a Riesling. Actually, everyone else repeatedly gushed over this characteristic.

When has “tastes like a Riesling” ever been a positive beer characteristic, particularly at an event called Beer Madness (hosted in a basement in front of 92 total inches of flat-screen college basketball coverage)? Wait. Actually, I do know someone else who would like a beer that tasted like Riesling…this lady:

She’s laughing AT you.

My mother-in-law. In fact, her Facebook timeline reminds me that she drinks Riesling while enjoying Dancing With The Stars…followed-up with a spot of chocovine. Now, I had to duck out of Beer Madness right after the final tasting, but I can only assume this is also what happened in my absence with this Riesling-sipping crowd.

Here’s to a Riesling-free Beer Madness 2014.