The Session #74: Finding Beer Balance – Is this an intervention?

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Bryan at This Is Why I’m Drunk. The topic is “Finding Beer Balance”. The topic suggests that there is perhaps more to life than beer. While I find Bryan’s premise shaky, I’ll play along.

Actually, after giving it some thought, there are a number of facets of my life that I am constantly seeking to balance with my love for beer. Personal hygiene, nutritional, recreational, parenthood…just to name a few. However, this may be best demonstrated in video format. So, I give you: Beer-Life Balance (with musical accompaniment from the White Stripes).

Beer Madness 2013: The Riesling Curse

I’m a little late with my post this week, but my recent free time and marital capital were spent on Beer Madness 2013. This year, dangermenparenting and I wrapped up the annual Beer Madness Tournament much faster than the 6 months it took last year. We even doubled the field to 16 (20 if you count the 4 play-in match-ups). How did we do this? More man-power. We enlisted the help of the Sports-Glutton and two other non-blogging friends. It was a good time.

I have a couple bones to pick beneath the pics, but I’ll leave the full rundown to dangermenparenting. You can take a looksie-peepsie at the final bracket here. And here is the lineup:

First of all, somehow Schlafly Kölsch beat He’Brew Schmaltz Lenny’s RIPA by a vote of 4-1. Inconceivable. The only reasonable explanation is rampant anti-semitism. The Schlafly is a well-made beer, but you could fall asleep drinking it. The RIPA, on the other hand, exemplifies the transcendence of the rye and hop union.

Second, Thomas Hooker Brewing’s Connecticut Barrel Series Saison made it to the finals. This overly sweet and under-carbonated saison (aged in wine barrels) never should have made it past the first round match-up with Ommegang Hennepin. I hadn’t had a Hennepin in awhile, but I was reminded how great a beer it is, particularly its yeast character. Conversely, the common compliment about the Hooker Saison was that it tasted remarkably like a Riesling. Actually, everyone else repeatedly gushed over this characteristic.

When has “tastes like a Riesling” ever been a positive beer characteristic, particularly at an event called Beer Madness (hosted in a basement in front of 92 total inches of flat-screen college basketball coverage)? Wait. Actually, I do know someone else who would like a beer that tasted like Riesling…this lady:

She’s laughing AT you.

My mother-in-law. In fact, her Facebook timeline reminds me that she drinks Riesling while enjoying Dancing With The Stars…followed-up with a spot of chocovine. Now, I had to duck out of Beer Madness right after the final tasting, but I can only assume this is also what happened in my absence with this Riesling-sipping crowd.

Here’s to a Riesling-free Beer Madness 2014.

How to Pour a Left Hand Milk Stout Nitro (Do Not Attempt at Home)

Next up, Left Hand Brewing’s Milk Stout Nitro:

A couple months ago, Left Hand’s Milk Stout helped douse flames in beerbecue’s spicy food and beer experiment. It’s a yummy milk stout (big, chocolatey, slightly roasty, and just on the right side of the sweetness Maginot Line). Occasionally, one can even find it on nitro tap, which makes it creamier and, I think, even yummier.

Now, after thousands of R&D dollars, countless hours of lab nerd work, and possibly a deal with the devil, Left Hand brings you its Nitro Milk Stout in a bottle…without a divisive Guinness-like widget. So, through a secret process and some voodoo magic, Left Hand imbeds the nitrogen, which then comes alive after a vigorous pour. How vigorous, you may ask? Well, beerbecue’s R&D, AV, and Child Labor departments have teamed up to demonstrate…

Name My Baby Contest and My New Guest Posting Gig

Good news. Bad news. So, apparently the ultrasound tech did not find male junk. That means we are having a girl, which is cool, in part, because we have a shit-ton of girl stuff in the attic. Unfortunately though, this is bad news for the Name My Baby Contest. I only had naming rights if the baby was a boy. The Haybag has the naming rights for any girl issue, and she is apparently unwilling to relinquish those rights for a blog contest. I guess she has a couple names picked out already. I know. Totally selfish.

Also, I have been guest posting every Friday over at the Sport-Glutton. Every Friday, the Glutton posts a preview for a particular NFL game, and I contribute a short, beerbecue-style beer review that is related (sometimes tenuously) to the match-up. So, head on over to the Friday Football Fix. The Sports-Glutton is a one-stop shop for sports, booze, food, and general hilarity.

Lastly, I will have a new review up on Monday morning: Cisco Brewer’s Monomoy Kriek. After all, this is a beer review site…of sorts.

Mr. President, It’s Time To Release Your Records

We try to keep it apolitical here at beerbecue. My job requires it, and I would hate to alienate a portion of my readership with partisan rants. However, I can no longer stand idly by through continued stonewalling under thinly-veiled claims of executive privilege (or, perhaps in some instances, with no explanation whatsoever).

The hypocrisy is sickening. The President continues to demand his opponent release more tax returns, while keeping under lock-and-key information that We the People of the United States deserve. Indeed, this information may be vital for some in their decision-making process this November. This has gone on for far too long, and I can remain silent no longer.

Of course, I am talking about the White House beer recipes for White House Honey Ale, White House Honey Blonde Ale, and White House Honey Porter. The White House must release the recipes.

Unfortunately, a FOIA request may not be successful. I don’t think the White House is generally subject to FOIA. Therefore, this must be something released on the President’s own volition, perhaps after a deep examination of his conscience.

But really, the decision should be easy. The President ran on a platform of increased transparency. And there is really no reason to keep it secret. The brewer can’t possibly consider marketing the beer to make money during or after Obama’s Presidency. This isn’t the UK where there is money made on products by Royal Warrant of the Monarchy. Besides, the White House is the People’s House, and by extension the White House beers are the People’s Beers.

Sign the petition to release the recipes!

The Curmudgeon: Seasonal beer “I told you so” edition

The Curmudgeon:
The Curmudgeon hates to say he told you so. Well, maybe he doesn’t. But in February, the Curmudgeon pointed out that climate change (and its resultant seasonal shifting) does not actually exist…it’s a trick of the brain perpetuated by breweries releasing their seasonal beers way too early. It was also suggested that drowning polar bears may just need to up their cardio:

You really have gotten lazy. Look at yourself.

Back then, Spring and Summer beers were coming out in February, and the Curmudgeon presciently foretold the early arrival of pumpkin beers. He predicted August. Well, the Curmudgeon was wrong…they showed up in mid-July! Mean Machine reported seeing Southern Tier Pumking the week of July 10th, twitter is full of angry pumpkin beer sightings, and dangermenparenting reported seeing Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin on July 28th.

Listen, nobody cares about the first person to report on whether the sun came up. That is, unless you’re CNN or Fox News and you are the first to mistakenly report that the sun didn’t come up.

Standby, I’m hearing it is a bit more complicated than previously thought. THE SUN MAY HAVE COME UP.

The truth is, with things that aren’t novel (just like news that people are going to find out eventually anyway) what people want is for you to get it right. Now, obviously there is serious first-to-the-market competition for shelf space. But sorry, Coors, being first isn’t going to make your Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale taste any better.

Further, The Curmudgeon isn’t stupid….well…the Curmudgeon isn’t too stupid to figure out that canned pumpkin gets thrown in some pumpkin beers. But why can’t we be fat and happy and just pretend you tossed in some fresh jack-o-lanterns. Oh, I almost forgot, because you expect us to believe you got fresh pumpkins in June or July.

So suck it, brewers racing to Fall. It’s still freaking hotter outside than a pair of sweatpants full of BBQ. I don’t want any pumpkin beer. So, may your Fall beers gather dust. And may the fleas of 100 camels infect your balls and your arms be too short to scratch.

The Session #65: Top 5 Reasons to Drink Alone

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Nate Dawg at Booze, Beats & Bites. Apparently, the topic is: Drinking alone at the pub. However, after first reading the announcement and thinking about a post for a couple days, in my head it became drinking alone, in general. Oops. Oh well, might as well play to the English-held stereotype that Americans have no pub culture.

I have to say, this struck me as a potentially depressing topic; but as with most things in life, I managed to not take it seriously. So, without further adieu, I give you: The Top 5 Reasons to Drink Alone.

NOTE: Yes, I know what the Green Day song in the background is really about. Also, in fairness, I ripped off the boozing teddy bear idea from one of my favorite blogs: liquorstorebear.

Old Formula Four Loko: The rarities keep comin’

Next up, Four Loko – Lemonade flavor (12% ABV original formula):

Note appropriate glassware

In case you forgot, Four Loko is a 16 ounce, 12 percent ABV “energy drink” that contains caffeine, taurine, and guarana. Depending on who you ask, one can of Four Loko is the equivalent of two to 20 cans of beer, one to 12 cups of coffee, and a spoon to a dime’s worth of heroin. I think I have even heard claims of it containing wormwood.

I obtained two cans of this fine malted beverage from a friend who had hastily procured a case just before Four Loko “voluntarily” removed three of its Lokos: caffeine, taurine, and guarana. This is my last “blackout in a can”, as the kids like to call it. It has been reposadoing in the beerbecue cellar for over a year now. So, I am hoping that time has mellowed its rough edges.

It pours a hazy, grayish-yellow, like lemonade on death’s bed. The thin, clear head recedes immediately to nothing. There appears to be a small chunk of something floating around in my glass. I’m not sure what it is, but a little carbonation is festering around it. Who knows, maybe Four Loko is bottle-conditioned. It smells kind of like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, had Mike fallen on hard times with a Pledge huffing habit. But the taste is where this stuff is at. It is simultaneously unbearably sweet, jaw-jackingly and preternaturally sour, and still unable to mask the underlying booze. It tastes like lemonheads, Pledge, syrup, vodka, and Bartles & Jaymes Wine Coolers (the original flavor stuff that I creeped from my parent’s downstairs fridge in 7th grade).

Unfortunately, there is no mercy in the finish. It lingers like a burp you shouldn’t have trusted, after drinking some battery acid; and it’s lack of carbonation mocks you. If you drink this, make sure it’s cold. I let some sit for awhile to try it warmed-up. Big mistake. I think it may have even etched my glass.

The Haybag: No way am I trying that stuff. I’m just glad it’s finally out of my fridge.

Foreign Intelligence Agent Guide to Drinking

There seems to be a minor hullabaloo over 007 ditching the vodka martini for Heineken in the upcoming James Bond movie, Skyfall. Apparently, this product placement deal/sellout is worth $45 million. Do I care?

Heineken tastes OK when it’s not skunked (as it frequently is). And, quite frankly, I think vodka martinis are awful. So, I remain unperturbed.

It did get me thinking, however: What is the beverage of choice for other foreign intelligence service agents, and what beer would they sell-out for in a promotional tie-in? Mind you, if 007 has taught us anything, it’s that there is no need for subterfuge in your drink choice. Hell, Bond usually waltzes right up in a tux, with some conspicuously double-crossing and double-entendre-named hottie. Further, Bond’s nemesis always knows who Bond is, and is usually content to either (1) engage 007 in an overly-complicated game of chance, or (2) passively lure him into a fatally-flawed Rube Goldberg death trap.

This game was apparently pre-Konami Code.

The Mossad:
Israel’s intelligence service is well-known. They probably also have the lowest travel expenses of all major intelligence agencies, as Israel seems to have taken the “keep your enemies closer” maxim a little too seriously.

Current drink of choice:
Manischevetini (I am not joking. This recipe exists on several Jewish-friendly websites)
2 oz. of Vodka
1/2 oz. Orange Juice
1/2 oz. Manischewitz
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker, shake well (don’t stir); serve. Garnish with an orange twist if desired.

Sell-out beer tie-in:
He’Brew Genesis Dry-Hopped Session Ale by Shmaltz Brewering. Duh.

Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI):
Pakistan’s premier intel agency is widely regarded as impressive. But the ISI may be best known in the U.S. for their, shall we say, cordial relations with Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Now, I am not entirely clear on the liquor laws in Pakistan. My understanding is that Muslims are not allowed to buy alcohol, but non-Muslims can. So, we may need to specify public vs. private drinks for ISI agents.

Current drink of choice:
Publicly, a Shirley Temple. But in private:
The Taliban
1 oz. Sweet and Sour Mix
1 oz. Triple Sec
1 oz. Vodka
Warm the glass, then light it on fire (the beerbecue legal department says to blow it out before you drink it).

Sell-out beer tie-in:
Publicly: O’Doul’s. Privately: Osama Bin Lager, hidden of course, in a brown paper bag (a Beer Burqa, if you will).

Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service:
Sluzhba Vneshney Razvedk (SVR) is the world’s least pronounceable spook agency and the esteemed successor of the KGB. Also, they (and their domestic counterpart, the FSB) apparently have something against journalists. SVR and FSB have made “Russian journalist” such a deadly job that it could warrant a Discovery Channel show.

Current drink of choice:
Either the Moscow Mule, or in a nod to their predecessor agency…
The KGB
1/2 oz. Kummel caraway liqueur
1 1/2 oz. Gin
1/4 tsp. Apricot Brandy
1/4 tsp. lemon juice
1 twist lemon peel
Shake (don’t stir) all ingredients (except lemon peel) with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the twist of lemon peel and serve.

Sell-out beer tie-in:
North Coast Brewery Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout.

Now, I have a couple ideas for the CIA’s beer tie-in; but because I have long passed my word limit, and I am a lazy a-hole, I put it to you, dear readers: What is the CIA’s current drink of choice and/or their sell-out beer tie-in?

Extra Strength Tylenol Cold – Sore Throat…and Unrelated T-Shirt/Apron Giveaway

Next up, Tylenol Cold – Sore Throat:

Extra strength. Cause we don't F around.

It pours a mostly clear blue, like I imagine smurf blood, but thicker. No head to speak of, even with a vigorous pour. It smells like wild berry scented icy hot, with a sort of mediciney hint of band-aid in the background. It tastes like menthol, with a smack of something that makes my head involuntarily shake back-and-forth violently. Unfortunately, it lacked that special something that one finds in NyQuil…that something that reminds you to take the “wake up where you take it” cold and flu remedy close to bed. The finish is its best attribute, as it leaves behind a soothing, cool sensation from your uvula to half-way down your esophagus.

I highly recommend it to anyone with a sore throat.

The Haybag: I like the flavor and cooling quality so much that, when I have a sore throat, I like to sip it like a fine digestif.

P.S. Also, this week, anyone who comments on any beerbecue post, “likes” beerbecue on Facebook, signs up for email notifications, or follows beerbecue on Twitter (@beerbecue7) will be entered to win a beerbecue t-shirt or apron. If you enter by following on Twitter, be sure to mention to me something witty about beerbecue swag so I can differentiate between the contest entrants and random, new twitter followers.

UPDATE: Lyricslibationsandlife had a good question. You can check out the goodies on the right-hand side of the top menu bar under “beerbecue swag”.