The Session #74: Finding Beer Balance – Is this an intervention?

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Bryan at This Is Why I’m Drunk. The topic is “Finding Beer Balance”. The topic suggests that there is perhaps more to life than beer. While I find Bryan’s premise shaky, I’ll play along.

Actually, after giving it some thought, there are a number of facets of my life that I am constantly seeking to balance with my love for beer. Personal hygiene, nutritional, recreational, parenthood…just to name a few. However, this may be best demonstrated in video format. So, I give you: Beer-Life Balance (with musical accompaniment from the White Stripes).

The Session #68: Novelty Beers

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Tiffany at 99 Pours. The topic is: Novelty Beers. Have they gone too far?

I am a capitalist pig. As such, I am a fan of the free market and the competition and innovation a free market fosters. So, my feelings can be summed up with a couple words and two pictures…

I am willing to put up with the presence of this:

If it means that I can have this:

(Brewed with heather, honeysuckle, and hyssop.)

I don’t know that I would lump Debutante into the novelty beer category, particularly due to the sometimes pejorative nature of the term “novelty”. I do, however, consider it innovative. And the only thing worse than Rogue Voodoo Doughnut is a beer zeitgeist that stifles the type of innovation that occasionally lays an egg like Rogue Voodoo Doughnut.

The Session #66: The Beer to Rule All Others: Beerbecue Blend

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by DrinkDrank. The topic is: The Beer to Rule All Others. The assignment is to conceive the greatest beer, at least the greatest for me. Unfortunately, my brewing days are in the past. I left all my equipment in the crawlspace of my Missoula, MT, apartment. Perhaps, I will start again once we get some more space here in DC. Until then, maybe I will try my hand at blending a few of my favorite beers. Blending seems to be making a resurgence. It can’t be that hard, right? I give you the Beerbecue Blend:

The Session #65: Top 5 Reasons to Drink Alone

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Nate Dawg at Booze, Beats & Bites. Apparently, the topic is: Drinking alone at the pub. However, after first reading the announcement and thinking about a post for a couple days, in my head it became drinking alone, in general. Oops. Oh well, might as well play to the English-held stereotype that Americans have no pub culture.

I have to say, this struck me as a potentially depressing topic; but as with most things in life, I managed to not take it seriously. So, without further adieu, I give you: The Top 5 Reasons to Drink Alone.

NOTE: Yes, I know what the Green Day song in the background is really about. Also, in fairness, I ripped off the boozing teddy bear idea from one of my favorite blogs: liquorstorebear.

The Session #63: The Beer Moment

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Pete Brown, a beer author of such distinction that his blog’s moniker is simply his name. The rest of us schmucks have to come up with a clever play on words.

This month’s topic is: The Beer Moment. This is a rather introspective topic, which will no doubt inspire some rather eloquent navel-gazing. Unfortunately, I am neither eloquent nor capable of serious introspection. Therefore, I made beerbecue’s first short film. I shall call it “Une Bière Andalou: The Beer Moment”.

Bonus points for anyone who finds the 3 Easter Eggs/editing snafus.

Cast
Me                    As Myself
Daughter          As Herself

Written, Directed & Produced by:
Me and the Haybag

Session #62: Top Reasons I Blog About Beer

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Angelo at Brewpublic, and the topic is “What Drives Beer Bloggers?” There must be some pretty strong reasons at play. How else would I delude myself into thinking that what I have to say is so valuable that others would want to read it?

So, what’s my muse? Let’s see:

To Be Surrounded by Ladies:

With my luck...

If I had a nickel for every sexy lady that was all up in my business because I am a beer blogger, I would have as many nickels as I would have had were I not a beer blogger…maybe fewer. But I already have a beautiful wife who loves beer and contributes to the blog, a cute daughter, and a lovable, female dog. So, I’m already surrounded by great ladies. It must be something else…

To Make Lots of Money:

I’m makin’ it rain up in here. Between all my hypothetical nickels, ad revenue, lucrative sponsorships, and t-shirt sales…

Scrooge McDuck: Makin' it rain since 1947.

What’s that? I don’t have any of that!? Well, I did get a 12 pack from a brewery in exchange for 2 beers and some BBQ sauce and dry rub. I thought I made out pretty well until I rang up the shipping costs. Maybe it’s something more intangible…

To Gain Respect From My Peers 

I always get encouragement from my fellow bloggers. Countless people comment on how I “have save them much time”. Also, below are several other prime examples from some well-respected sites:

Isormennadora said, “Nice weblog right here! Also your web site so much up fast! What web host are you the use of? Can I get your associate link in your host? I want my site loaded up as fast as yours lol.”

Breast Actives Breast Enhancement Cream proclaimed, “I experience attractive with breast actives breast enhancement cream now.”

Backlinks Building gushed, “Great items from you, man. I’ve be aware your stuff prior to and you’re simply too great. I really like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which wherein you assert it. You’re making it entertaining and you still take care of to stay it smart. I can’t wait to read far more from you. That is actually a great site.”

Who needs riches with gems like that? Knowing that I have brightened their day is reward enough. Also, I am working with a gregarious Kenyan who seems to be in a pickle with his inheritance tied up in US probate courts. I have forwarded him money several times. I am expecting a percentage of the estate any day now…and it’s all thanks to my blog’s comments section.

To Justifying My Drinking Problem 

What better way to explain away my drinking problem? Drunks don’t drink expensive beer and wax poetic about it. They hide Jeremiah Weed Roadhouse Tea in a paper bag and use code words for it. Although…my 4-year-old daughter does refer to my beer as “Daddy’s milk”. Nah. I’m fine.

To Achieve Widespread Fame

Deep down, nearly every fledgling blogger wants to take a peek at his stats page and see it inexplicably blowing up. Now, the numbers I am talking about are probably piddly for many blogs, but not long ago Tröegs picked up my Nugget Nectar review/Nugget hop Federal Government mind-control theory on Twitter, then on Facebook. It has since had about 1700 views. I was convinced this would result in throngs of new followers. But it would appear that Internet “fame” is fleeting. Now my stats page, dejectedly, looks like this.

Why must you mock me, Stats Page?

Well, there we have it: My reasons for blogging about beer. It may also have something to do with the fact that my job is drafting tax legislation, which can be mind-numbingly technical writing. Also, I have always enjoyed creative writing, and I love beer. So, maybe it’s just a therapeutic outlet.

Nah. It’s totally that other stuff.

Session #61: Local Beer Is Better (except when it isn’t)

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Matt at the Hoosier Beer Geek and the topic is “What makes local beer better?” This is a complex question that presupposes the answer to a preceding, unasked question. So, to be a pain in the ass, maybe I will address that question: Is local beer better?

I have a soft spot for small businesses, particularly local ones. This certainly isn’t ground-breaking. I am sure most people want to see their community flourish. However, any time I hear the term “locavore”, it makes me want to punch kittens. And I have always found the convenient location of the most ardent “local” movements to be quite interesting. Likewise, I find it telling that Google searches for “locavore Gary, IN” and “locavore El Centro, CA” return no useful results.

So, how does my fridge stack-up from a local standpoint? I currently have Grand Rapids, MI, Fort Collins, CO, and San Francisco and Chico, CA, none of which are remotely close to the DC Metro area.

However, I’m a tax attorney. So perhaps I just need to find a loophole…

I draft Federal tax legislation for a living. Therefore, I can think of no better place to define local than under Federal statutory law. Under section 310B(g)(9) of the Consolidated Farm and Rural Development Act (7 U.S.C. 1932(g)(9)) the beer would have to be produced and distributed in the State (in my case, Virginia) or so that the total distance that the product is transported is less than 400 miles from the origin of the product.* Maybe I can find some cover here.

Beer is distributed as the crow flies, right?

Dammit, the US is crazy big. There is hope for my local soul, though. After Sierra Nevada and maybe New Belgium start production in Asheville, NC, and begin flying beer directly to my house, my fridge would qualify today (as long as they don’t set up shop too far South or West of Asheville).

Joking aside, DC-area beer has improved quite a bit since I arrived in the area. Port City’s Porter is insane, and their Wit is pretty solid. DC Brau makes some good beers, too. (I am also looking forward to 3 Stars.) Sometimes they are in my fridge, but they can’t scratch all my itches. Further, the radius map above does include some pretty serious beers: Flying Dog, Dogfish Head, Southern Tier, Stillwater (sometimes), to name a few. But even they can’t scratch all my itches.

Therefore, although local beer makes me feel warm and fuzzy, I must conclude that: Local beer is better, except when it isn’t.

Profound, I know. Go in peace.

*I should note that I don’t think the above law actually applies to beer (I think it just applies to “agricultural food products”), hence I would argue the above cited Federal law is merely persuasive authority (posited as part of a joke on a beer-humor blog).

Session #60: How to Train Your Growler

This month’s installment of the Session is hosted by Kendall at Washington Beer Blog. The topic is growlers. Of course, everyone knows that growlers are great for toting home fresh beer to enjoy in the comfort of your own castle. But, as with many things in this age of instant gratification, nobody knows where growlers come from. Hell, when our ancestors wanted a growler, they had to hunt one down and tame it.

Of course, it takes a trained eye to spot a growler in the wild. In their natural habitat, growlers are generally nocturnal and like to hide amongst hedgerows. Careful! Like any wild animal, growlers can be erratic.

Crikey!

If you have seen a growler in your area, you should take some precautions. For instance, don’t leave grabage bags out the night before pickup.

Total noob move.

Unfortunately, as our habitats collide, growlers occasionally fall victim to tragedy. Growlers foraging near the side of the road become entranced by oncoming headlights and will inexplicably dart into the road as the car draws near. The accident below is under a hit-and-run investigation, as eye-witnesses report seeing anti-growlerite, Garrett Oliver, fleeing the scene of the accident.

Poor thing. Never had a chance.

Growlers can be captured and domesticated. However, new growler owners frequently have housetraining issues. Just remember to be patient, use positive reinforcement, and never, never strike a growler.

Bad growler!

Ultimately, growlers adapt well to domesticated life, and get along well with kids and pets.They even enjoy walks!So do your part to give a growler a happy home. And if you are in the Northern Virginia area, get your ass to Port City and get your growler filled with their porter. It’ll rock a block party ’til your hair turns grey.

The Haybag: I’m just relieved you didn’t make me film the Steve Irwin “Growler Hunter” sketch you pitched.

The Session #59: The Perfect Bourbon

This is beerbecue’s first crack at The Session, which for January is hosted by Mario at Brewed for Thought. This month’s topic is: I almost always drink beer, but when I don’t…

I drink the perfect bourbon drink. To make a Basin Street you’ll need the following:

• 2 Parts Bourbon
• 1 Part Cointreau
• 1 Part Lemon Juice
• A Shaker; Ice; and a Cocktail Glass

We here at beerbecue are not just beer-swilling barbarians. The Haybag and I are sophisticated individuals, with a highly-refined worldview. Thus, we seek the best of everything regardless of origin. And Cointreau is at its best immediately after distillation. So, for the perfect Basin Street, ideally one would take a trip to the Cointreau distillery, Carre Cointreau, in the Loire Valley of France.

Midway through the distillery tour, you’ll need a hysteria-inducing distraction. Announcing a German invasion is a little cliché; so try proclaiming that down the street they are handing out free Chenin Blanc and cigarettes. While every French man, woman, and child within earshot is down the street frantically looking for their free wine and smokes, take a couple ounces off the end of the distillery line. Don’t be greedy. You probably only paid 10 euros for the tour, and you’ll get a cocktail at the end of the tour anyway.

Of course, in a pinch, the Cointreau in your liquor cabinet will do. You know…the bottle with the cap that is crystallized shut. Note: If it’s not crystallized shut, then you’ll likely need a new one, as this probably means your teenager has replaced the contents with water.

For the perfect lemon, go to Sicily in November. In the morning, as the sun begins its warm embrace, just before the dew has vanished, find a terraced lemon grove near the base of Mt. Etna. Carefully pluck a plump lemon that appears to be only moments away from dropping to the earth from its own ripe weight. Then, get the hell out of there before the sun begins its warm embrace of the garbage bags neglected by the striking Sicilian sanitation workers.

Of course, in a pinch, you can scale your neighbor’s fence after dark and thug one from his lemon tree. Watch out for dog crap. And no, I am not going to stoop to stereotyping the French and Italians with a sophomoric dog-poop-on-the-sidewalk joke. A little maturity, please.

Then, the most important step for the perfect bourbon drink: Get out a whiskey glass, pour the bourbon into the glass, and drink it (ice and splash of water optional). What? Did you think I was going to fuck-up a perfectly good bourbon?

Bourbon – Not as sweet as a woman’s kiss,
but a damn sight more sincere.

The Haybag: Excuse me? And might I point out, dear, that you seem to be more than willing to fuck-up a perfectly good beer with bourbon.