I don’t care how many eggheaded calculator-wielders tell you that temperatures are on the rise, glaciers are melting at an alarming rate, and polar bears can’t swim far enough. Further, I don’t care that a stated effect of climate change is the earlier arrival of Spring and the increasingly delayed arrival of leaf-peeping assholes to New England each Fall. In truth, nothing has actually changed! It’s all in your head, and it’s the craft beer industry’s fault.
Case in point: Dig Spring Seasonal by New Belgium was released this year on February 1. The label has a picture of a Chuck-Taylor-All-Star-wearing hipster casually digging a hole, presumably to plant black cumin, Bordeaux spinach, dragon carrots, or some other similarly ironic- or rare-sounding edible.
One problem: It’s fucking February. It’s no wonder everyone thinks Spring starts early, these a-holes are releasing their Spring seasonal before Punxsutawney Phil has even had a chance to take his first post-hibernation piss.
And they’re not the only ones: Sam Adams Alpine Spring released in January. Flying Dog Garde Dog (Biere de Garde) out in February. Hell, Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy says, “Screw Spring right in the eye. Let’s skip straight to Summer on February 29th.”
As for Fall, everyone thinks it’s suddenly taking longer for the leaves to change color and fall. Climate change? No! We’re having pumpkin beers thrown at us beginning in August. Of course Fall feels longer. And where the hell do you even get pumpkins in August?
In further support of my theory, Notch Brewing recently had to pull their harvest beer. Apparently if you use actual, fresh, end-of-the-season harvesty stuff in your beer, as Notch does, it will be too late for Fall shelf space. That’s messed up.
Listen, I don’t know if it’s the fault of brewers, distributors, or retailers. I don’t care. Cut it out. My damn allergies are starting already this year.