Craft Beer is Major Contributor to Climate Change (in my mind).

The Curmudgeon
I don’t care how many eggheaded calculator-wielders tell you that temperatures are on the rise, glaciers are melting at an alarming rate, and polar bears can’t swim far enough. Further, I don’t care that a stated effect of climate change is the earlier arrival of Spring and the increasingly delayed arrival of leaf-peeping assholes to New England each Fall. In truth, nothing has actually changed! It’s all in your head, and it’s the craft beer industry’s fault.

Case in point: Dig Spring Seasonal by New Belgium was released this year on February 1. The label has a picture of a Chuck-Taylor-All-Star-wearing hipster casually digging a hole, presumably to plant black cumin, Bordeaux spinach, dragon carrots, or some other similarly ironic- or rare-sounding edible.

One problem: It’s fucking February. It’s no wonder everyone thinks Spring starts early, these a-holes are releasing their Spring seasonal before Punxsutawney Phil has even had a chance to take his first post-hibernation piss.

Used with permission from: goldengophershower.com

And they’re not the only ones: Sam Adams Alpine Spring released in January. Flying Dog Garde Dog (Biere de Garde) out in February. Hell, Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy says, “Screw Spring right in the eye. Let’s skip straight to Summer on February 29th.”

As for Fall, everyone thinks it’s suddenly taking longer for the leaves to change color and fall. Climate change? No! We’re having pumpkin beers thrown at us beginning in August. Of course Fall feels longer. And where the hell do you even get pumpkins in August?

In further support of my theory, Notch Brewing recently had to pull their harvest beer. Apparently if you use actual, fresh, end-of-the-season harvesty stuff in your beer, as Notch does, it will be too late for Fall shelf space. That’s messed up.

Listen, I don’t know if it’s the fault of brewers, distributors, or retailers. I don’t care. Cut it out. My damn allergies are starting already this year.

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18 thoughts on “Craft Beer is Major Contributor to Climate Change (in my mind).

  1. I’m pretty sure we’ll see some Pumpkin beer in May/June, with Oktoberfest beers showing up in July or so. (That was a joke, but I’m pretty sure you start to see that stuff in August, for reals).

  2. I was definitely about to bring up the pumpkin beer point to drive home your point. I agree that the beer schedule is crazy. I think it should still take another month or so before we begin to see a rise in spring beers at all. Let’s start a revolution!

    • I bet the pumpkin beers will roll out even earlier this year. The biggest problem is that I feel like pumpkin beers get tiring pretty quickly (especially with as many as I had last year). But I don’t want to be sick of pumpkin beers before October rolls around! Someone needs to do something. Perhaps, as you say, a revolution is in order.

  3. They have no reason to think they’re doing anything wrong when it’s happening all around them. When they walk into a Home Depot in September and they see that they’re already starting to put their Christmas stuff out, it programs their brain – “Oh god!! Better get that Winter brew out there!”

  4. During the week of July 10th, some Southern Tier Pumking pumpkin ale showed up at my liquor supermarket, it was a small amount, but the employee from the beer section told me that it sold out immediately! JULY 10th???????????

      • Have been drinking pumpkin ales like a drunken sailor! Best two in my opinion:. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (2 growlers right from the brewery last weekend) and Schlafly Pumpkin Ale. I’ll keep drinkin!!!!

  5. Pingback: The Curmudgeon: Seasonal beer “I told you so” edition | beerbecue

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