Next up, Four Loko – Lemonade flavor (12% ABV original formula):
In case you forgot, Four Loko is a 16 ounce, 12 percent ABV “energy drink” that contains caffeine, taurine, and guarana. Depending on who you ask, one can of Four Loko is the equivalent of two to 20 cans of beer, one to 12 cups of coffee, and a spoon to a dime’s worth of heroin. I think I have even heard claims of it containing wormwood.
I obtained two cans of this fine malted beverage from a friend who had hastily procured a case just before Four Loko “voluntarily” removed three of its Lokos: caffeine, taurine, and guarana. This is my last “blackout in a can”, as the kids like to call it. It has been reposadoing in the beerbecue cellar for over a year now. So, I am hoping that time has mellowed its rough edges.
It pours a hazy, grayish-yellow, like lemonade on death’s bed. The thin, clear head recedes immediately to nothing. There appears to be a small chunk of something floating around in my glass. I’m not sure what it is, but a little carbonation is festering around it. Who knows, maybe Four Loko is bottle-conditioned. It smells kind of like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, had Mike fallen on hard times with a Pledge huffing habit. But the taste is where this stuff is at. It is simultaneously unbearably sweet, jaw-jackingly and preternaturally sour, and still unable to mask the underlying booze. It tastes like lemonheads, Pledge, syrup, vodka, and Bartles & Jaymes Wine Coolers (the original flavor stuff that I creeped from my parent’s downstairs fridge in 7th grade).
Unfortunately, there is no mercy in the finish. It lingers like a burp you shouldn’t have trusted, after drinking some battery acid; and it’s lack of carbonation mocks you. If you drink this, make sure it’s cold. I let some sit for awhile to try it warmed-up. Big mistake. I think it may have even etched my glass.
The Haybag: No way am I trying that stuff. I’m just glad it’s finally out of my fridge.