Apple Pie Moonshine: Gentrification of the Redneck Middle Class

Next up, Anonymous’ Apple Pie Moonshine (ABV unknown):BigLensWhile we were in South Carolina over Thanksgiving I thought I had a novel revelation: That there is a burgeoning redneck middle class. The Haybag, a South Carolina native, just rolled her eyes and kindly told me it’s been that way for years.

I suppose she’s right. They already represent a significant marketing segment. They even have their own SiriusXM comedy station. If that isn’t proof of their economic rise, I don’t know what is.

Larry the Cable Guy: A pioneer in solving the age-old problem of cold midsection, warm arms.

Larry the Cable Guy: A pioneer in solving the age-old problem of cold midsection, warm arms.

Swaths of the redneck population have achieved economic success through a combination of good jobs, smokestack-chasing economic development in the South, and college education. This has brought about an evolution from jacked-up trucks; outdoor, youtube-worthy, deep-fat fryer food preparation incidents; and an affinity for white lightning moonshine…to more genteel transportation for refined sporting endeavors:


Chuck’s golf cart.

P1000199…Skilled deep-fat frying of multiple turkeys in the friendly confines of a two-stall garage:

Safety first!

Safety first!

…And moonshine blended to appeal to more refined palates. Now, I’m not going to say where my jar of apple pie ‘shine came from; but if any revenue agents are reading this, I’m sure it was blended from fully legal store-bought and tax-paid corn or grain liquor and was most certainly not transported across two State lines.

So, after a couple sips off the jar, I decided it was time to get down to business with a real drink. Like a gentleman, I poured it into a Waterford crystal glass usually reserved for bourbon. The commotion of the pour unsettled some sediment, apparently from the whole stick of cinnamon and the unpleasant-looking apple slice marinating in the jar. I nudged the decomposing hunk of apple to the back of my mind and below the surface of the murky moonshine so I could enjoy my beverage in ignorant bliss.

It smells like over-ripe apples, apple cider, massive cinnamon, and a masked but unrelenting booze. And the taste…well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, it’s pretty damn smooth. It has a nice sweetness, an apple cider character, and a cinnamon and booze sizzle at the end. The booze is not oppressive, but as I feel my core temperature and overall sense of well-being rise, I realize how well the cinnamon covers it up. Then I remember the sage advice I received as the jar was handed over, “Careful. That apple pie ‘ll sneak up on ya, now.” The best part, though: No apparent optic nerve damage from methanol poisoning. Yay!

The Haybag: No way.


6 thoughts on “Apple Pie Moonshine: Gentrification of the Redneck Middle Class

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