Next up, New Belgium Pluot:
This is beer brewed with Pluots, which are a sweet 70/30 cross of plums and apricots. While I usually find fruit hybrids interesting, they make me a bit uneasy. Clearly, in the animal and plant kingdom, the sum of good + good does not always equal good…or 2good, or whatever. Several cases in point.
First we take a crab. Mmmm, tasty. Sure, they’ve got claws, but they’re pretty easy to avoid.
In fact, sometimes I wish they had bigger, juicier claws and maybe a tail…like a lobster.
Which might yield:
The South Pacific’s coconut crab. It’s the world’s largest land-dwelling arthropod and one of the scariest-looking creatures not from Australia. They are mainly herbivores (they eat coconuts…duh), but some have developed a taste for the flesh of tortoise hatchlings, rats, other crabs, and Amelia Earhart. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s suspected that coconut crabs ate her remains, then hoarded her bones in their burrows as creepy little crab trophies. Did I mention they climb trees to fetch coconuts and purposefully fall out of the tree, rather than climbing down like civilized creatures? Welcome to paradise (watch out for the 10-pound ninja crab ambush from overhead).
As another example, take comic strip character Ziggy. I think it’s pretty well accepted that he is cute. He’s a little preachy, especially for someone who never wears pants…but cute:
Add a dash of fish. Preferably a cute fish:
Which might yield:
Ummm. That ain’t right. Let us not speak any further of the blobfish.
This beer is from New Belgium’s Lips of Faith Series, their usually good small batch series. This one is brewed along with pluots and using a blend of brettanomyces and belgian ale yeast.
It pours a dull gold, with a head that recedes so quickly it warrants a “Gosh, I’m sorry. This has never happened to me before.” It smells like sweet plums, grain, pineapple, and something strange in the background that I can’t quite place. It’s not quite brett funky, and it’s not quite New Belgium’s earthy/nutty house flavor that many of their beers carry. The taste is like a way too sweet tripel, dosed with pluot juice. Yikes this bastard is sweeter than a “My Little Ponies Save Caralot” movie narrated by Mrs. Poole from the Hogan Family. I was hoping for a little tartness, but the only distraction from the onslaught of sweet is that aforementioned earthy/nutty funk. Ultimately, the beer’s one redeeming quality is its 10% ABV, helping you get in touch with your inner diabetic hobo.
The Haybag: Remember when you said none of the stuff you picked-up at the beer store sucked. Wrong.