Pretension Prevention Series Beer Review: Today We Act Like Men For Christ Sake

by the Curmudgeon (Pretension Ombudsman)
Hello people who Scott has pestered to support his new blogging hobby.  A hobby, by the way, that doesn’t require him to leave the house or consort with others.  I wonder whose idea that was?  Anyway, I am your guest poster for this evening.

Why am I posting?  Because the other day I read this:

“These little beauties have a light to moderate sweetness, some fruit (like apple, banana, pear, or oranges), earthiness, and sometimes a slight peppery, clovey, or spicey flavor from the Belgian yeast.”

If you are anything like me, that shiver you just experienced is known as a douche chill.

I look to the picture I have of Scott in my bedroom and I see a man who fathered a child.  A man who was honest-to-god hit with a barstool in a bar fight (don’t worry Scott, I meant honest-to-God).  Unfortunately, I now also see a man who is trying to suck all the fun out of drinking.  Well, sir, fuck you.  Today we review:

Who wouldn’t want to live pleasantly?

Review: National Bohemian has a subtle beer-type taste that, when consumed quickly in quantities of 5 to 6, produces a pleasant buzz that is perfect for enjoying a college football game or forgetting, ever so fleetingly, the disappointment that is life.  The fellow on the can appears to have lost an eye or perhaps is winking.  Either way, he is compelling enough to have sustained my gaze for an awkwardly long period of time.  I better pull my crap together.

This beer is best paired with an unkempt, older gentleman, like the one sitting to my left at the bar.  A man who can successfully rationalize a daily drinking habit with one word: “retirement”.

God damn you, youth, for cockblocking my fun.

I wish to end my review with a simple thought.  Never use words like “clovey” or “fruit” to describe a beer.  Better yet, never describe a beer.  It shouldn’t matter.  If you are not drinking to feel euphoric and better tell tall tales, you are flatly doing it wrong.  Don’t be that guy.

Thank you Google image search for “hipster douchebag”.

Now, from the barstool to my right where she has ignored me for the better part of three hours while reading yet another book about vampires is my haybag for her review. 

The Curmudgeon’s Haybag Review:  Your post was incredibly disappointing.  Not unlike your lovemaking and inability to produce viable semen.  A part of me truly hates you.

Well, that’s all I’ve got.  Merry Christmas everyone!